Pages

Saturday, 7 February 2015

Bluntness and an overshare

I woke up this morning and decided to change my blog name. Books, Bugs and Boxes has served me well for the last year and a bit but it's time for a change, to move on, to find something that fits 'me' a little better. So for the next little while we'll be in transition until I get my blog header changed but welcome to "A Star and a Wish".

This is still my teaching blog but it's my life blog too. The title fits into both. I don't have the patience for two blogs, two instagrams, etc. Or you could say I'm lazy :) I'm just going for simplifying my life. 

Onto the story and the overshare. There may be a few more of these coming up {be warned}....

This morning I woke up feeling guilty because of something I blurted out at a bbq last night. My bluntness tends to get me into trouble, has basically since I started speaking but lately, I have been making more statements that are coming out as socially unaccepted gaffs. Most likely because I feel awkward every time I get asked this question. So awkward that I want to crawl into a ball and cry. Fun.

So the recap...
Last night, a husband of a friend asked, "So when are you having kids?" I'm almost 30, married for 5 years, standard question to be asked by anyone. Not thinking I replied with, "When my body agrees with me". Blank stare in response, asked me to repeat it, then awkwardly walked away. I spoke to him later, apologised, laughed, he made a point of asking if I was sure I couldn't have kids while looking me up and down (I swear this comes from my 'child-bearing hips', people are just shocked that I somehow can't get pregnant and pop out a string of children). Surely it had to be my husbands fault (wtf), I assured him that yes it's my 'fault'. We laughed again and all was good. I felt bad for replying that way, I wasn't at home, I've met the poor guy less than a handful of times but it seems I can't control the outbursts.

Maybe because my heart is breaking, my husband's heart is breaking and there's not a hell of a lot we can do other than follow the path we are on. A path of doctor's appointments and procedures,  invasive stuff and me, constantly feeling like a {not-so-prized} cow but still being able to smile while doing it.

I don't know how to avoid getting asked about when I am having children, short of wearing a t-shirt that says, "Yeah I can't have kids, yes we are looking at IVF, yes we can afford it, NO I don't want to hear your friend's/sisters/brothers-next-door-neighbour's miracle story, and no, sorry it's no-one's 'fault', yes we have tried that, no we don't want to try that, Thank you but go away".

I've asked the question of other women in the past, admittedly before I was married and realised how annoying it is, before we started on this baby-making path almost 3 years ago, before we both started feeling hopeless/useless/not-good-enough because we can't do something that others can do easily. 

Our story hasn't been a horrible one, we have had no miscarriages or horror stories, neither of us is sick or dying. We just can't get pregnant {I should add 'yet' but who knows}. Not a big deal in the scheme of things. I see the other women in the doctor's office, I know we're not alone, I know it probably shouldn't be a big deal but it is to us. I have the world's, seriously, most amazing husband, I have a supportive crew, we have an amazing life and existence but lately it's been tough. This morning, tougher than it has been other days.

I don't write a diary, I write a blog so here is a small slice of our story. I'm still not sure if this is the right place to have shared it but if I don't write it down I feel like things may fall apart a little and we are not going to let that happen. So read, don't read, share, don't share but be kind and gentle...

And maybe next time think for a second before you ask the baby question.

Love,

post signature

3 comments:

  1. Bec, great post. I used to be annoyed by the same question. We waited for what seemed an eternity for our first. You have written this post with compassion for yourselves as well as the questioners. xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love your honesty Bec, and yes I think people should be mindful of asking those questions. Here's wishing that no matter what the outcome is it will be happy for you both.

    Tania

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bec, I truly feel your pain. I was 39 when I became a mother. At your age I was full of despair, but for different reasons. All I can suggest is to hold on to the fact that you have a wonderful man who supports you and that perhaps you will find a path that will wind up with you being a mother, but that it might be a different path than you were originally expecting. Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete

09 10