Saturday, 7 February 2015

Bluntness and an overshare

I woke up this morning and decided to change my blog name. Books, Bugs and Boxes has served me well for the last year and a bit but it's time for a change, to move on, to find something that fits 'me' a little better. So for the next little while we'll be in transition until I get my blog header changed but welcome to "A Star and a Wish".

This is still my teaching blog but it's my life blog too. The title fits into both. I don't have the patience for two blogs, two instagrams, etc. Or you could say I'm lazy :) I'm just going for simplifying my life. 

Onto the story and the overshare. There may be a few more of these coming up {be warned}....

This morning I woke up feeling guilty because of something I blurted out at a bbq last night. My bluntness tends to get me into trouble, has basically since I started speaking but lately, I have been making more statements that are coming out as socially unaccepted gaffs. Most likely because I feel awkward every time I get asked this question. So awkward that I want to crawl into a ball and cry. Fun.

So the recap...
Last night, a husband of a friend asked, "So when are you having kids?" I'm almost 30, married for 5 years, standard question to be asked by anyone. Not thinking I replied with, "When my body agrees with me". Blank stare in response, asked me to repeat it, then awkwardly walked away. I spoke to him later, apologised, laughed, he made a point of asking if I was sure I couldn't have kids while looking me up and down (I swear this comes from my 'child-bearing hips', people are just shocked that I somehow can't get pregnant and pop out a string of children). Surely it had to be my husband's fault (wtf), I assured him that yes it's my 'fault'. We laughed again and all was good. I felt bad for replying that way, I wasn't at home, I've met the poor guy less than a handful of times but it seems I can't control the outbursts.

Maybe because my heart is breaking, my husband's heart is breaking and there's not a hell of a lot we can do other than follow the path we are on. A path of doctor's appointments and procedures,  invasive stuff and me, constantly feeling like a {not-so-prized} cow but still being able to smile while doing it.

I don't know how to avoid getting asked about when I am having children, short of wearing a t-shirt that says, "Yeah I can't have kids, yes we are looking at IVF, yes we can afford it, NO I don't want to hear your friend's/sisters/brothers-next-door-neighbour's miracle story, and no, sorry it's no-one's 'fault', yes we have tried that, no we don't want to try that, Thank you but go away".

I've asked the question of other women in the past, admittedly before I was married and realised how annoying it is, before we started on this baby-making path almost 3 years ago, before we both started feeling hopeless/useless/not-good-enough because we can't do something that others can do easily. 

Our story hasn't been a horrible one, we have had no miscarriages or horror stories, neither of us is sick or dying. We just can't get pregnant {I should add 'yet' but who knows}. Not a big deal in the scheme of things. I see the other women in the doctor's office, I know we're not alone, I know it probably shouldn't be a big deal but it is to us. I have the world's, seriously, most amazing husband, I have a supportive crew, we have an amazing life and existence but lately it's been tough. This morning, tougher than it has been other days.

I don't write a diary, I write a blog so here is a small slice of our story. I'm still not sure if this is the right place to have shared it but if I don't write it down I feel like things may fall apart a little and we are not going to let that happen. So read, don't read, share, don't share but be kind and gentle...

And maybe next time think for a second before you ask the baby question.


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